In challenging situations, difficult thoughts and feelings arise, overwhelm and often disrupt. When this happens, we tend to be caught up or get “hooked” by these thoughts and feelings. As much as we know it, few of us actually succeed in harnessing the “pause” in heated or challenging situations. The pause is known as that sacred space between stimulus and response. That tiny dash or hyphen (from writing perspective) that essentially holds the lifechanging power of giving yourself a break and from preventing yourself from saying or doing something that you would later regret.
Many unhelpful behavioural patterns start in that small space between what we feel and how we react. Think about the last time an overly critical or harsh comment triggered self-defensiveness in you… or how a child’s emotional outburst angered or overwhelmed you… or how you over-reacted after reading a blaming email or faced a demanding parent.
Learning to pause and reflect in these moments give us space to notice what’s happening and react more intentionally and appropriately. What am I feeling? What story am I telling myself? What response would support the person I want to be?
Making use of the pause can help us in a structured way to slow down, identify the emotional trigger, and act in alignment with our values. This is called our point of choice. A point where we get to decide whether our intended action will take us towards the person we want to be, or whether it will take us away from that version.
People engaging in “towards behaviour” are acting in line with their values, behaving like the person they want to be, acting effectively, and doing things that make their life better. Contrary to this is “away behaviour”, which involves actions that move us away from our values. People engaging in this type of behaviour are acting in ways that are incongruent with their values, behaving unlike the person they ideally would like to be, acting ineffectively, and doing things that make their life worse. Unfortunately, we often act without pausing, which makes matters worse.
So how do we improve? Try these practical steps when next you are faced with a challenging situation:
- Describe the challenging situation. Give it a name.
- Identify the “hooks”. What difficult thoughts, feelings, or physical sensations have shown up now?
- Identify the “helpers”. What skills and strengths can I use to help me act in line with my values?
- Which behaviour or action would take me away from my values?
- Which behaviour or action would take me towards my values?
- Make a choice. Away or towards the person you aspire to be.
Think of it this way… What might you choose differently if you paused before acting on your first impulse?